Why do people use guilt to get what they want.
One of the search terms on my site was “what do people get when they try to put guilt on others”. The short answer is they get their way, or at least try to. This is a subject I am all too familiar with. People have several reasons for using guilt, but the result is that they are always trying to get something for themselves. It could be a favor, validation, assurance, or material things.
I have witnessed one spouse telling the other, that “if you loved me, you would do ‘XYZ’ or the reverse of that, “you don’t love me because you won’t do ‘XYZ’. Now keep in mind, I am using these examples as things said to guilt someone into doing or saying something. There are times that these statements are legitimate, but that is not the context I am using here.
When a spouse uses the above statements, they are trying to get their wife or husband to be someone they are not by trying to make them do something or say something (usually forms of validation or assurance such as “you don’t tell me you love me enough, or I am special….) they normally would not do or say. Too often people marry and hope to change their spouse once they are married. This almost never works. People need to love people for who they are, not for who they think they can turn them into. This type of love is a possessive type of love. “You belong to me now, and I want you to act in a certain way and tell me certain things so I feel better about myself”. People are not possessions, nor is love meant to be possessive. We are to love unconditionally (as much as possible anyway). If your spouse does not meet your requirements, then the only person you can change is yourself. Guilt works for a short period of time. But in the long run, your spouse will learn to resent you.
Some parents use guilt on their children much in the same way. If the child shows independence and thinks differently than the parent or wants to take a different path than the parent wanted the child to take, they will use guilt to manipulate the child into doing what they want. This is a horrible thing to do to a child. It scars them in ways you can’t imagine. They will struggle with the feelings of inadequacy that guilt brings on and will be susceptible to people who use guilt to get them to do things for the rest of their lives. You steal their independence. It is only once they realize that they are susceptible to guilt that they can overcome it and start to pursue that which makes them happy instead of the things they feel guilty about not doing. Lets just say I know this first hand based on my own experience. If you love your child, using guilt to get them to do things is harmful, can hurt the child for life and is not true love. Our kids are human beings and individuals. We teach them as best we can, but in the end, they have the right to live their lives as they see fit. They may chase dreams that we would not. They may pick different educational paths than we would. But it is their life and they have the right to pursue happiness in their own way.
Then you have the reverse. You have parents that have allowed kids to use guilt to get what they want. They tell their parents that “if you really loved me you would let me go to the party or buy me these shoes, or a car”. The parent, feeling guilty, perhaps because their parents used guilt as well, repeats the cycle and caves to the kid and gets them what they want. This child learns that by using guilt he/she can get what she wants and uses that guilt in every aspect of their lives including relationships and at work. Essentially, they feel that they should get whatever they want and the tool that they have developed to get what they want is guilt. They have become very good at using this tool.
We have to remember that these people are self-serving and while they may have feelings for us, our happiness and well-being are secondary to their own. These people are not healthy for us. They will make us feel bad most of the time and we will constantly be acting like someone we are not to make them happy. We can never be ourselves with these people. If you are in a relationship of any kind with this sort of person, it would be best to sever it, or if that is not possible for some reason, then I would suggest counseling or simply not allowing yourself to do anything out of guilt from now on. Once you show the person enough times that guilt no longer works on you, they will stop trying. They may be resentful, or may sever the relationship because of it. But at least you will feel good about standing up for yourself and being the person you truly are instead of the person they want you to be.
I am available to offer one on one advice at bitwine.com. Type in rphillips66 in the “search for and adviser” search bar and hit go.
I absolutely can’t stand when a person uses guilt to manipulate in any venue. Parents, people, clients, whoever…
Here’s the proper statement
“If you really loved me, you would ask a direct question and accept my response, not try to manipulate me.”
I think in some cases people don’t know how to ask for what they want, so they use guilt as the tool.
I absolutely hate this type of manipulation. I hate all forms of manipulation really. Makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“If you really loved me, you would ask a direct question and accept my response, not try to manipulate me.” I loved that. That is a great way to put it! Yes manipulation was part of my life growing up. Now I am really sensitive to it….maybe too sensitive. But I agree with you…it makes me crazy.
Thanks Coach
When you feel it, as I feel it from people the manipulation of it I mean, it hits your system right? I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. It’s not very healthy for you.
So… since you have a reaction, as do I to dishonest things like this, sometimes you can even say “how is this relevant?”
As an example, a female client that I had was “highly” manipulative. My attorney is very busy and she was trying to get an appointment. She tried everything in the book to get in but I didn’t have an opening for her. She then, after several minutes of my going through the schedule says to me…
“Do you want me to end up in the hospital?” Man… I was like, are you kidding me? Mind you that was last year and she’s still alive and well. So, I asked her point blank… “how is that relevant?”
She’s not sick, she’s not ill, she’s just highly manipulative and her teary voice changed from manipulation to … cold, nasty and angry. Suffices to say, she doesn’t do this with me any longer. I had another woman too… she was a … real charmer. Her son? Holy cow that boy was guilted and pushed all over the place by her. You could see it… you could feel it. When you spoke to him, he was assertive, if you got them together, he shifted … and he lost all … how do I say? He … became less than. Not assertive, not sure of himself … I don’t like these tactics. They are not reasonable.
They are very coniving, convincing people. I’m not sure whether to take pity on them because this is how they get what they want from others, or be disgusted by the attempts which more than likely work on most. I think I’ll opt for being disgusted.
Never mind there are other ways people manipulate one another as well. Which I also can’t stand. Doesn’t have to be a parent either… To me, what they’re really saying is… do what I want or I’ll make you feel miserable for not doing whatever it is. With holding love, not accepting a person, punishing them for not doing what they’re manipulating them about, not giving them the open freedom to say no like a rational adult without some emotional ramification down the road. And they remember this stuff too and they will use it against you later. It’s difficult to have to pay that much attention to a person like this becuase they come out of no where with it too.
AND what about players? Womanizers do this nonsense too… it’s just utterly ridiculous to me to toy with a person’s emotions to these extents. Grow a back bone, ask and know that not everyone is going to bend like this… and you feel their … rage and disconnect when you stand up to them. That’s how they get to a person. The individual feels like they are losing something and no one wants to feel that way, have that perceived loss.
I am highly not a fan of these tactics. No offense to your… ya know, mom or anything… I’m generally disgusted by all of it.
Sorry if I’m being to harsh but it’s a pet peeve of mine.
Hi coach,
Not too harsh at all. I agree 100 percent. I hope that I can actually get some people that I know to read the article for your comment alone. You brought clarification and a superb way of looking at those that guilt people. Much better than I did. I have a friend in particular that could benefit from your comment. I really appreciate the extra effort in giving such great insight.
Thanks as always!
Paul
Thanx Paul
for the compliment. I learned and have seen these things for years. The problem to me is the fear of what people will lose in the process of standing up to a person who uses these tactics. Fear is definitely attached to guilt and the feelings of loss etc., and it irks me to the core of my being that people would do this to another.
Matter of fact, at the chiro last night a girl has been talking to this guy who was trying to manipulate her into sleeping with him. NOW… I think she screwed up in a text her friend sent, NEVER let a stupid friend respond to a guy you’re seeing and think it’s “funny” they’ll get the wrong impression… HOWEVER… I told her exactly what to say.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, If you would like to go out again, let me know”.
Period amen. He said “sure” … she said let me know when you’d like to get together. He writes back he was just being sarcastic.
I asked her… is this the type of man you want to get to know better? The put up or shut up type where he’s testing her? To see if she’ll put out? (long story) … I was like, Kick that boy to the curb… asshole.
Coach,
I have always admired your sense of right and wrong and your direct style….no “beatin around the bush” with you. If more people were like that….the world would function much better. I hope that girl follows your advice….it’s good advice.
Paul
You know, I do try like hell to give the benefit of the doubt to people … at the same time, we are responsible for the things we say and do. And we’re responsible for the standards we set for ourselves as well… and we’re also going to be tested and prodded to see what makes us tick or break or … if we’re serious about the standards we’ve set.
BUT … one thing that rings through for me always is a phrase I learned when I was in my 20′s. “I care, I will not carry”.
Being good to people, insofar as giving the benefit of the doubt, does not equal a weakness or being too vulnerable. Because to back that up, we need the standards set. I try to be fair but I don’t like it when people are … disrespectful. This covers a broad avenue of what I find to be disrespectful too. I figure, I’ll be good to them and they will be good to me. It’s not rocket science.
I love that quote…I will care, but not carry…that is a great thing to remember. A lot of people want us to carry the load for them instead of just giving them a hand. I like you, have no problem giving someone a hand. I don’t even mind carrying the load for a short time if they truly need it. It is when, as you say, they are being disrespectful and try to get you to carry the load out of guilt because they simply don’t want to. That does piss me off.
Thanks coach!
Oh
And thank you… I do my best.
People do what we allow them to do. I used to not quite understand that until I learned about boundaries we set with another person. I’m a softie
I will help a person through or with something too but I’ll teach them as we go along. I agree with what you’re saying too. 
Okay… Back to work for me… I”m taking a little mental break here reading. I have so much to do, it’s like… OMG where to start!
You’re welcome
Thank you too! It’s great when I talk to someone who completely understands where I’m coming from.
I have always understood where you are coming from coach……You are more than welcome.
No problem coach, your additions to articles are always welcome no matter when you add to them. People who read them later will benefit from your comments.
Thanks for contributing as always.
Paul
lol, I dated a guy (we’re in our 40′s) he says he’d feel less jealous and possessive if I’d just have sex with him. Also says’ after all the stuff I do for you and you won’t at least give me a hand job?’ NO , I WON’T. SEE YA! oh, and I love this one, “IF you loved me , you would have sex with me” ARGH….I asked him what would he truly win IF I would have fallen for the guilt trip and done it? Would he truly feel like he won? Knowing I did it because I felt guilty? He did not have a reply.
You assume people mature at some point, this shows it’s not true. I highly doubt if he’s jealous and possessive that he’d be LESS that way if he were to sleep with you. He’s full of shit… he is who he is… regardless of if you put out or not. Food for thought.
That is definitely pushing the envelope of manipulation and guilt! You handled that quite well…I liked your response to him…hopefully it made him think.
Thanks for sharing.
Paul
[...] Why do people use guilt to get what they want. (howtotrulylive.com) [...]
As I’m growing older and wiser I’ve realized that my parents are huge manipulators. They make me feel bad for doing things that I want to do…my mom always tells me how shellfish I am for not doing XYZ or for opting to do different things, for not calling them enough, for not visiting them enough, for wanting a different life. I really believe my parents are not happy people. I consider myself a very independent person and I have little concern for what others think about me…but when it comes to my parents I want them to be proud of me, I want to shine in their eyes and give them the world. It really kills me
Hi Natalie,
I chased my parents approval for years. I don’t know why we do that. In the end, they are just people like you and me. They make mistakes, they have faults, they see things through their own perspective. I know all about the guilt thing. I have been there. Your situation sounds exactly like mine did. Once I realized that I was doing the best I could with the constraints of my own life, it made me angry to have further pressure put on me by outside sources including my parents. When someone would throw guilt my way, even my mom… I would simply say, “sorry the guilt window is closed, next topic” and move on.
The point is we only feel guilty if we accept it. There are certainly people that make us more susceptible to guilt because we love them and want to make them happy. But at the end of the day, we can choose to accept the guilt or not accept it. I know that is easier said than done. At some point you will tire of the feeling and you will explain it to your mom, or you will find a different way to deal with it. Just remember, the choice is yours. When you’re ready, you will effectively deal with it.
Oh my gosh, this sounds almost exactly like my relationship with my parents. (Mostly my mother) All they ever call me is selfish and ungrateful when she doesnt get her way and I usually end up feeling bad about myself and wonderig if I really am being selfish. My older brother usually confirms that I am not being selfish and that they are just trying to make me feel bad so they can get what they want. (he seems to be the only one of my siblings who has learned to deal with it over the years)
I find myself doing things that I realize I have only done to try and gain their approval. I too want them to be proud of me and acknowledge my accomplishments, and shine in their eyes!! But it seems like whatever I do is never good enough for them.
My mother will usually be the one who makes me feel guilty about things and if I try and stick it out and ignore the feeling, the conversation usually ends up with her calling me “chicken shit” and then she’ll turn into this monster and give me dirty looks for a few days. Then I’ll feel bad and try to make it up to her. I’ll buy her something that I knew she would really love and she would would tell me to take it back or, “Can you still get your money back?” or she will just never use it and not say thank you. Not even show a little excitement.
I’m never going to buy her anything again!! And now I guess I’ll just have to ignore all these childish mind games. But the guilt is still killing me, i guess it’s not that easy to do for me 😞
It is definitely hard to get passed the guilt. But you have to remember, it may not feel like it, but you are totally in control of your mind. You do not have to accept the guilt. If you don’t learn to deal with it at some point, people will take advantage of you for the rest of your life. People that use guilt to get what they want are almost like predators. They seek out people that are susceptible to it. Maybe even a better way to look at people who use guilt as bullies. Once you stand up to them for a period of time and it does not work the quit trying to use it. If they still try to use it, they at least know it is not going to work.
It will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence to stand up to it and simply tell your mom that you simply are not going to except the guilt anymore. If you have truly done something wrong…make it right and that is where it ends. If you have done nothing wrong, then simply know that and ignore her jabs or tell her the issue is with her, not you. I tell my mom “sorry, the guilt window is closed today” and move on to the next topic.
You have to know who you are. You need to know if you are truly a good person. If you are, then there is no need to ever except guilt. If you are not, you change what is wrong and fix it. You still don’t have to except guilt for it. You do need to accept responsibility for it and fix it.
Good luck!
[...] Why do people use guilt to get what they want. (howtotrulylive.com) [...]
Letting Go of Guilt « Inspired Every Moment said this on November 18, 2011 at 2:53 PM |
I understand the basics around this concept, but am finding it hard to understand what I consider to be “grays” in this area. For instance, what if someone consistently did things- said “I love you,” frequently, was thoughtful, etc, but then let’s things slip as the relationship progresses? I’m not talking about just after the honeymoon phase, although I suppose that would still be a valid example. I’m talking about years into the relationship with them? The person just (for lack of a better word) gets lazy. What is supposed to be done about the situation then? Is this “how the person is,” so just suck it up and “love them for who they are?” Or have they just let apathetic habits take root because they feel comfortable of not losing the relationship?
If this concept was truly put into practice, then people would never say anything to someone when that person let them down. Because let’s face it, any time you call someone out on when they do something negative it’s going to bring some guilt about. I was taken on consistent guilt trips when I was a child. Because of this I have been susceptible to many relationships with people who used guilt and were self-serving. People who would use the front of needing to get their children groceries to get rides all over town for things that had nothing to do with their children. People who would only use me for my car, or when they had no one else to be around. But when I needed something or wanted to do an activity, they weren’t there. A relationship has to go both ways. They were that way from the start and saying anything to them would be trying to change them and futile. But what about the once healthy relationships with people who do a 180? What about a friendship with someone which has spanned 17 years? The person has started making plans with you and breaking them all of the time? Should nothing be said? Oh, that’s just who they are. No.
I constantly see people who say they are “too busy” making time for the people and things which are important. Yes, in all actuality they are too busy, but because they’ve taken on too many things, placed other things at a higher priority. But you can still see those people around town, having lunch with a coworker and/or friend; see pictures of them doing plenty of leisure activities. So, in all essence they are not really “too busy,” they are just too busy for you. It’s not who they are, it’s that you are not a priority.
So, when/where should things be said? We teach people how to treat us. If issues are never mentioned, then people take advantage. Maybe that long term friend had legitimate reasons at times to break some of the plans you made, but there is a level of consideration which should be had if a person says you are important. Because you better believe that friend made sure to find a babysitter for that important career meeting, juggled their schedule around for that date with the hot guy from the coffee shop, or saved enough money to go to Myrtle Beach over their Spring Break. The truth is, if you really are important to someone, then they find time to do what they say they’re going to do. They don’t say they’re going to fix the garage door and then 6 months later, it’s never been touched. They don’t make it a habit of regularly cancelling plans that THEY’VE made with you. If someone truly has taken you for granted, or done something inconsiderate, then something SHOULD be said. So, if someone says something like this to you, ” I don’t think you care very much about me (or are being a very good friend) because you keep (cancelling on me.)” Yeah, I suppose it is a guilt trip, but maybe you should feel guilty because you did some jerky things. People just hate to be called out on anything. I’ve come across so many people who get so upset and will end friendships simply because I mention after they’ve flaked out on me numerous times. If you flake out on someone, then get off your high horse and expect consequences.
You bring up some great points. I think that you are missing the distinction between using guilt and someone feeling guilty by revealing your feelings to them. You asked “when/where should things be said”? My answer is “when you feel them”. You have every right to tell someone how you feel and if their behavior towards you is not acceptable to you. If they feel guilt because of that, it is their issue, not yours. Based on your description of your situation, you are simply trying to hold on to a relationship or improve it by divulging your feelings to that person. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Your not responsible for their guilt in that situation even if they tell you that you made them feel guilty. I would say, “no, I simply told you how I feel. If you feel guilty then there must be some truth in what I said, or you feel bad that you cannot give me what I ask for. But my intention is to see if the situation can be improved, not to make you feel guilty”.
If you tell a person how you feel about the way they treat you, or that you feel something is missing, or that you wish “XYZ” could be improved on…that is not using guilt. It is what you do with their response that determines if you are using guilt to get what you want. If the person reveals their true feelings and they do not coincide with what you want, then you have choices to make. You can accept them as is. You can ask if they are willing to work on the problem via counseling or some other strategy, or if there appears to be no hope, then you can choose to move on.
Using guilt would be pushing the buttons that you know would make that person feel horrible. You would tell them how they are destroying you and ruining your life. You would force them, through those actions, to behave in a manner that you know they don’t want to. You would use any tactic possible to make them pretend they feel something for you, that you know they don’t. It is pretending by the way. If they tell you the truth, and you use guilt, then they act differently, they are pretending.
I have never understood why someone would want to use guilt to get what they want. It is not genuine. The person that does something for you out of guilt does not really want to do it for you. The person that tells you they feel a certain way about you out of guilt does not really feel that way. Why people would want a fake life is hard for me to understand. Why would they not want to move on to a person that could give them those things for real…a person that wants to do things and can’t help feeling things for them.
I guess my point is, if someone feels guilty when you tell them your true feelings, you are not using guilt to get what you want. You are simply trying to salvage or improve a situation. You are using guilt to get what you want when you know a persons true feelings and you manipulate them anyway you can to make them do something or feel something the don’t want to do or don’t want to feel. That is a very important distinction to understand. Again, you are not responsible for the way they respond when you tell them how you feel as long as you are being genuine and not trying to change them. The catch is, only you know in your heart if your being genuine.
my situation involves my parents (which seems to be a popular topic). My parents (mother especially) have always used guilt to get us to do things. For example my mother will say things like “well i wont be in this world much longer” or always threatens to leave, and once threatened to kill herself. Recently though, both of my parents have ganged up on me because i have fallen in love with someone who is atheist. This person agreed to convert to my religion even though it is very hard, but still this is not enough for my parents. i have tried to explain to them and tell them how i feel but all those times they get angry at me for having a different opinion. i even went as far as to break up with my boyfriend, and because i was still upset and not 100% sure of the decision, my mother sent at least 10 text messages filled with anger and possibly rage and hate (all of this while i am at work). they tell me things like “you forget where you come from”, “youre picking someone youve known for so little time instead of your family”. lastly i was just barred from coming home for a holiday (religious) until i decide that i am 100% sure i want to not be with my boyfriend. i told them i would never be 100% and they cannot seem to grasp it. my father even said he would cut all ties with me if i stayed with him. I love my parents so much that i obeyed them, but now i am begining to wonder if it is making me happy (i literally cant eat, sleep, or do anything but cry because im so upset…and now alone)
i would love some wisdom as i feel pretty lost right now. I understand my parents have religious values- and i ahve them too, i am not changing my religion- but they are not letting me make my own decisions. and when they say that they are, such as, “ok go back to him,” they follow that with things like “but you can expect certain consequences”. essentially they are making me choose between my family and a man i truly love.
how is that fair?
Hi Abby,
What your parents are asking you to do is not fair in my opinion. I am not sure what religion you are, as it is not stated in your post. You have the right to be happy and we can’t help who we love. I know that in the Christian religion, Genesis 2:24 it says “For this reason a man (or woman) will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife (husband), and they will become one flesh”. It is not natural for an adult (I am not sure of your age) to choose their family over a mate. This does not mean that you should abandon your family at the request of the one you love. But it does not sound like this man is asking you to do that. Your family is asking you to choose them. In addition, any religion that promotes a parent abandoning a child is not a religion, or it is a religion mis-interpreted. All religions seem to be based on love and forgiveness…especially Christianity. Some day your parents will be gone. You will live many years without them. If you think this man is “the one”, your “true love” and you abandon him…what will you be left with when they are gone?
If you let your parents choose your mate for you..how happy will you truly be? I have had a similar situation in my life. The fact is…I choose to be happy and be with the one I love. It did not even give it a second thought. It is not my problem if they don’t approve. They are not in my head or heart. They do not know the woman I love. They have no way of feeling the feelings we have for each other. If they did, they would never disapprove or second guess me.
If they were that in love and I asked them to abandon the person they loved, I would wager to guess they would not do it. They are not in your head and heart and therefore can never understand the dynamics of the relationship you have with this man. At some point you have to choose your own life, and be content with it. If your choice is to do exactly what your parents say till they die…then that is OK if you are content with it. If your choice is this man and you are content with it, then that is OK too.
The point is there will ALWAYS be people that are against you, think you are making a mistake, or don’t agree with how you live. This is because their own ignorance makes them think that their way of life is absolute and right and any variance from it is wrong. They never take into account that people are individuals and what is right for one person is not right for another. We become who we are via nurturing, nature, and experiences. There is always a price to be paid for going after what we want. The price can be anything. You have to decide if the price is worth the prize. For me, any price is worth being with the one I love. I will not bow down to guilt, threats, or any other type of manipulation. When I am with her, I am totally happy and content and whole. I will not give that up for any reason or anyone. But I am willing to pay that price gladly to have the one I love. To me, it is worth it.
I hope this helps some.
Paul